2nd Run Review: Jupiter Ascending (2015) – More Like “The Dissension Of My Patience”

Eddie Redmayne (Balem Abraxas) may be up for the lead role in any Rolling Stones biopic because quite frankly his lips-to-head ratio is nothing short astounding.  Now, his character in the movie on the other hand, well… on to the mini-review.

Humanity has prided itself on being the center of the universe.  God’s creation in His own image, but what if there was a twist to that?  What if humanity – was created in the image of humans far more advanced and less cordial to the idea of greater being than themselves? What if, we were really cattle in an arms race against death itself?  What if truly your life could be reduced down to a vial of age-defying tonic that is the sole dominion of a select few?  What if all your hopes, dreams, ambitions and desires were no more than the wind across a wheat field being cultivated for harvesting?

Jupiter Ascending sort of tried to answer these questions in its own way through the eyes of the conniving Abraxas family that pretty much owns the universe, the loyal Caine Wise (Channing Tatum) and Jupiter Jones (Mila Kunis).  If you’re a devote person, this movie pretty much kicks you in the groin and says go find another belief in life.  Mostly in the fact that humanity, according to the Abraxas family, is livestock to be bred and culled for the only value it offers – a more extended lifespan for their edification.  Jupiter, the reincarnated Abraxas Queen, is caught up in an industrial and political game of chess where there seems to be no real winners, just a series of stalemates that last for millennia.

This movie felt like a mash of more notable and better executed film franchises.  There were elements of Dune, Star Wars, The Princess of Mars and even Harry Potter in a weird way.  However, instead of a chorus of flavors that meld together to form a unique and savory dish, you got an entrée that looked lovely but was filled with elements that didn’t quite fit well together and gave you indigestion.

Let me put it like this; I like the Wachowski Brothers or The Wachowskis (since one of the borthers is now a SHE).  I think they make fun, exciting and visually tantalizing movies because this movie had a serious special effects budget.  However, unlike the transcendent feel of The Matrix series or pure exhilaration of Speed Racer, they’ve seem to come to a point where their story telling is overshadowed overwhelmingly by their attention to visual detail.  They are now the Michael Bays of the sci-fantasy world.  I was less than impressed with the dull and meaningless Cloud Atlas movie and this movie just really wasted my time.  What truly annoyed me ultimately is that it started off with this whole soliloquy about her loving, star-gazing father and ultimately, it really wasn’t that consequential – so why even really go there?

If you want to see some VERY cool effects, this is a must see… but if you want to rekindle the magic they once had, then dig in your crates, pop in The Matrix movie franchise and just forget the rest ever existed.  As of now, this may be one of the last Wachowski films I see for the foreseeable future if this is what they’re producing now.  Thanks, but – no thanks.